Monthly Archives: August 2012

intrusive, lingering, painful thoughts

When you criticize the spacing of a person’s children, you wind up condemning the life of that person’s child.

 

Saying that my life would be easier if my youngest wasn’t born yet is really just a somewhat sugar coated way to say that my youngest shouldn’t be here.  And next month’s egg would be different – making my child different.  Things may or may not be easier if they were different.  But that is not helpful in any real, practical way.  1, it isn’t certain.  2, the hurt caused by saying my child shouldn’t exist will overshadow any intent to convince me to space my next child farther from my last.

 

And saying you think my child shouldn’t have been born, even if you only mean ‘yet’, is never helpful.  It’s hurtful.  And it will break down trust.

 

The lack of trust, and the hurt, it lingers.

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grief, and the gift/curse of a crowd

Moving to Denver means constant company. Friends, family, and strangers. On the one hand, the crowds are sometimes the only thing keeping my collapse at bay. On the other, the crowds are rejuvenating.

I’m not sure if I’m forging deeper into denial or acceptance, but my moments of intense pain are less frequent.

Grief is a strange, invisible disability. One that hurts, that limits my mobility and ability, that causes me to be separate from the world at large. But it remains unseen. Unnoticed unless spoken by the grieving. Both silent and silencing.

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